Book Review -- From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty

Book Review -- From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty

By Melinda Gustafson Gervasi

November 5, 2021

Keeping with the ghoulish nature of the past week, Halloween and Day of the Dead, I picked up Caitlin Doughty's book, From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death.  Published in 2018 the book chronicles her travels around the globe to experience death rituals different from those commonly practiced here in the US and Western Europe.  The reader travels with the author to Mexico, Japan, Bolivia, Indonesia, Spain and other destinations.  

Without question this book is a macabre read.  Some of the practices explored, such as decomposition of the human body in a literal compost heap are intriguing to those interest in a low carbon end to their earthly time.  However, other experiences may be more challenging to read about.  For example, the "ma'nene' " in Tana Toraja, Indonesia where relatives have an annual visit with a mummified loved one, was unsettling for me as a reader.  

Overall I would rate this book a 3 out of 5.  Lack of practicality for many of these ancient practices stuck out to me.  Also, it is a sad but true fact that many families contain a rate of dysfunction or unhealthy relationships where the intimacy of washing a corpse would be impractical if not traumatic for the survivors.  Doughty's prose are easy to read and vivid.  For anyone interested in an anthropological exploration of death and funerals, this book would be an excellent investment of time.  

"Trick or Treating" in Estate Planning -The Lesson of Francis Ogden

 "Trick of Treating" in Estate Planning - The Lesson of Francis Ogden

October 30, 2020

By Melinda Gustafson Gervasi

In a hushed whisper my 10 year old daughter called me over to the school desk she uses for remote learning.  "Hey mom, listen to this....it's about a guy who wrote fake wills".  Intrigued by the subject matter, one that squarely falls into my wheelhouse (unlike the advanced math both of kids are taking), I stepped out of work mode and into 5th grader curiosity.

A round of applause is needed for the Madison Metropolitan School District for making the annual 5th Grade Field Trip to the historic Forest Hills Cemetery here in Madison a reality.  Due to Covid19, the field trip this year was virtual, and allowed me to join in on the lessons.

I had never heard of Francis Ogden before.  He moved to Madison in the mid 1800s, and grew a financial empire in real estate and oil holdings in Texas.  Known as the richest man in town, he left Madison after a few spats with the City of Madison over their rejection of land he offered to donate for a library (they did not care for the location) and regulations surrounding his hotel, The Ogden Hotel.  Claiming he had had enough of Madison, he moved to Texas.

Known as an eccentric man, he fed that reputation by taking on a new habit while living in Texas.  Apparently he enjoyed writing wills, in pencil, without witnessing and handing them out to various people including relatives (he never married and had no children) as well as people he had just met, promising them his riches.  When he died many people came forward with those pencil written wills seeking to inherit. He thought he had had the last laugh.

The video fails to tell is what happened to his estate.  My guess, Texas State Statutes (where he was a resident) controlled is intestate estate, likely distributing the assets to his closets living relatives.  But that's a guess.  In the end, his tricks turned on him.  Estate planning is about taking control of who is in charge and where assets go.  Upon his death, Ogden's Wisconsin relatives opted to have him buried at Forest Hills Cemetery, in the heart of the city he despised and moved away from, giving him the cheapest monument possible at the time -one made of zinc.  Writing a valid will is about taking control of the what and the who.  Sadly, Odgen's games landed him back in Madison, for perpetuity. 

Check out this video put together by Wisconsin's Veterans Museum for its Talk Spirits Tour.

What I've Been Reading: Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? Big questions from tiny mortal about death

What I've Been Reading: Will My Cat East My Eyeballs? Big questions from tiny mortal about death

Written by Caitlin Doughty

What do you get when you combine kids' questions about death with a mortician -- Will My Cat East My Eyeballs? Big questions from tiny mortal about death.  This quick read consists of just over 30 questions posed my kids along with Doughty's answer.  Most of the Q&As run about 3 to 4 pages long, and are written in a cheeky manner.

Questions range from the very macabre to pure silly:

When I die, will my cat eat my eyeballs?

Will I poop when I die?

Can I use human bones from a cremation as jewelry?

Personally I found the blunt answers to questions disturbing, especially the description of cremation.  Both of my parents are deceased and I made the arrangements for their cremation.  I'd say the process is similar to sausages, I appreciate the end product but would prefer to be spared the details. 

If you enjoy movies or shows with forensic science or are an 8th grade science teacher, you may find this book to be enjoyable and or useful.  Or if you need a unique way to experience fright this Halloween, in the midst of a pandemic, this may be the book for you.

Reader's Corner: The Green Burial Guidebook by Elizabeth Fournier

Recently I read The Green Burial Guidebook: everything you need to plan an affordable, environmentally friendly burial by Elizabeth Fournier.  It was a segment on WPR's Central Time that led me to this interesting book.

At a slender 150 pages, the book is a straightforward and easy read, complete with detailed notes and resources at the end.  Fournier first introduces the reader to the concept of "what is a green funeral" and then in the second half provides a guide to a green burial.  For those already familiar with the go green movement in the area of funerals, the first half of the book may be repeat information.  However, in the second half of the book Fournier takes the reader well beyond having a burial minus the coffin and vault, into various "shades of green" as she calls the spectrum of options available to making their death affordable and earth friendly.

There is detailed information for those with families that can provide preparation of a body for burial on "family land" as well as smaller, more realistic (through distance and dysfunction, many families may not be able to go as green as those who literally wash a body after death) such as carpooling visitors to a service, to using seed cards as thank you notes, to the new form of cremation - alkaine hydrolysis.

All in all this is an excellent resource for those wishing to have their death be as simple, affordable and earth friendly as possible.

Scatter Me Under The Bench; And Other Thoughts on Wisconsin's Authorization for Final Disposition

Ask my husband and he likely to blame it on my profession, but he'd be wrong. The spark that ignited my recent flurry of estate planning paper work was not flamed by my role as an estate planning attorney.  But rather by our upcoming annual vacation. Just like so many of my clients, "update estate planning papers" makes it to the short list of vacation preparation. No, I am not kidding.  It is the #2 most popular reason clients call for an appointment.

Day after day, week after week, month after month I sit at my little brown table with clients, reminding them to fill out their Wisconsin Authorization for Final Disposition.  Tucked into the left side pocket of their folder, the last form in the stack, it is the form I refer to as the "ever so cheery -- who is in charge when I die" form.

In Wisconsin, the power of attorney for health care ends with the declarant's death.  Last breath and the power ends.  Which raises the question of who will be in charge of your burial / funeral? In Wisconsin we have a statutory presumption that it is your next of kin.  For some clients, that is fine, at least for the first level of kin folk.  For others, it is not.  And each time I discuss this with clients a nagging feeling nestles into my brain -- "Um Melinda, you need to update yours now that your mom died, remember?"

Wisconsin statutes are fine with me on this matter since my next of kin in my loving husband.  But what if he could not make the decision (conjure up a vision of him in an ICU bed, or worse.....), then I start to stammer.  My kids are too young, and it would defer to my other relatives.  While we may share DNA, we do not share our lives.  They have theirs, I have mine.  Birthdays and holidays for me are spent with a group of childhood friends who have become my village now that my parents have both passed away.  When I needed to haul a urine soaked kiddo mattress out of my house to the curb while my husband was in Seattle for business, I called on The Village for help.  These are the folks who I can trust to carry out my final wishes if my earthly time should come to an end and my husband cannot act.

And so that is what I did this past Sunday -- I sat down and finally put my wishes into a legally binding format.  First my husband, then a friend, and if not, then another.  Witnessed by two individuals and signed by the three I have empowered, I can now advise clients without that nagging voice echoing in my head.

Cremation, direct cremation to be exact.  Use Informed Choice associated with Cress Funeral, if it is still around.   If they survive me, a small amount of they ashes should go to my husband and each child.  The rest should be scattered under the bench on the beach in Bayfield, Wisconsin.  The one next to the ferry station, just to the north of the renovated structure.  It is there, above in the photo, under the tree.  Contact my friend and Minister, Kelly Crocker at the First Unitarian Society of Madison for a Memorial Service. Have no more than 5 photos on display -- pick the nice ones, leave the rest. Blue Boat Home and Come Sing a Song With Me should be performed.  Bill the estate.  Keep the costs low, especially if my children survive.

That's me. What about you?  What would you want?  Who would you want running things?  Now......put it into a legally binding format.  And then enjoy your vacation.  I plan to.

It Was Her Wish

"Are you kidding me, it's in the Bible......follow the dying person's last wish!"  It is not often that my husband invokes the Bible, he is an atheist after all.  But when he does, he is serious, and he is expressing the fact something is ancient.  Not just some new trendy idea -- it dates back to biblical times.

We had been discussing the fallout of my mother's memorial service. Yes, such an event can have fallout. And from my vantage point of an estate planning and probate attorney, I can tell you that it happens more often than not.  But here I was, the daughter, not the attorney, in the mini-drama surrounding her final wishes. Thankfully that legal education of mine fortified my backbone, allowing me to stand tall and carry out her wishes, despite the descent of her grieving relatives.

With no uncertain terms, she had clearly expressed her wishes to me from the passenger seat of my Honda Civic.  Sick for many years, we often found ourselves with me driving her home following a hospital discharge. Both aware that her health was declining and that we are all human. Eventually her time would come.

I broached the topic with "I know you don't want to think about these types of things, but if something should happen, would you want a service like the one we did for dad?" First came the sideways glare, and then (I can quote her here) “I don't want nothin' in the god damned church in Brooklyn. I married my first husband (my dad was her second husband) there, and that is where they buried my baby....without me being there. No! I have no happy memories of that place. Do it at the church you go with with the kids, FUS. And I hate my picture, so don't do one of those silly poster boards plastered all over the place. Hmmmh” And that was that, she looked forward and we proceeded home.

Over the years I revisited the topic, wanting to make sure I knew her wishes. And the answer was always the same. Had she been a client, I would have advised her to put her wishes in writing through Wisconsin's Authorization for Final Disposition. But she was mom, and that piece of paperwork was never completed. Her final day on earth was February 16, 2014, a Sunday. The following Monday I contacted the minister at FUS and began setting in motion her plan, her wishes.

It would be a memorial service, not a funeral. It would be held at the First Unitarian Society in Madison, not the Methodist church in Brooklyn where so many other funerals for the family had occurred. It would be several months after her death, not in a few days. It would be her wishes, not the boiler plate funeral of prior generations. We all grieve in our own ways. Communications with her relatives are strained if not severed. She was my mom, and I followed her wish. My question to you dear reader, is what is your wish and who can make sure it happens? The time will come, we just do not know when.

Settlement Proposed - Wisconsin Funeral Trust

News broke last fall that Wisconsin's Funeral Trust was broke.  Risky investments brought the fund down, way down, down past the point to ensure 100% payment on monies deposited by consumers.  In raw numbers, it had $48 million, but $70.7 million in obligations.

Since an investigation has commenced as well as a court appointed receiver.  News this week indicates that in a proposed settlement in the funeral trust, consumers will receive the full services they paid for.  Funeral homes are not required to sign on to the agreement, and have until September 30, 2013 to do so.

While all of this sounds favorable, one glaring question rings in my ears -- what options are there for those who had not yet created a funeral trust, but want or need one?  Answer is unknown to me, so I'll email John Wirth, the attorney appointed by the court to be the receiver.  Check back for an update!

Author's note: my posts here have been sporadic because I have been devoting substantial writing time to a book that will be released Fall 2013.  Watch for details on my first publication, Middle Class Philanthropist: How Anyone Can Leave a Legacy.

Update on Wisconsin's Funeral Trust Fund

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One of the top ten questions clients ask me is "should I prepay a funeral....I want to make things easy for my loved ones?".  My response always had some hesitation in it.  Prepay can be inflexible.  What if you change your mind on the type of burial you want?  What if you move far away?  And I'd end with, I personally prefer to hold money myself and pay for things when needed.  Now, if your time is near and you know it, a prepaid fund might be useful.  Never did I imagine that I could add to the list, "well that Fund is insolvent, recent reports indicate that is owes $23 million more than it has available.  Yes, Wisconsin's Funeral  Trust is belly-up!"

Last fall news broke that the fund had been mismanaged.  A court-appointed receiver was put in place.  How the money was lost has been the focus on work up until now.  Litigation may be coming in the future, but it is too early to tell.  Since the scandal broker several hundred people with accounts have died.  While those funerals were covered, the funeral homes only received 60 cents on the dollar.

Puzzled about what to do now?  You are not alone.  Keep in mind that funeral expenses are considered aspects of a probate, and are the first item paid during the administration of a will. Prepayment is not required, all you need is a funeral home willing to bill the estate, and force family members to pay and be reimbursed.

I will share the news as this situation unfolds.  Thanks for reading, and remember a blog does not constitute legal advice.  Please contact a lawyer in your state for advice specific to you situation.

How a Modern Day Lawyer Views Charles Dickens' Will

Rarely does a day pass when I do not find an interesting article posted on a favorite blog of mine.  Written by Professor Gerry W. Beyer, Wills, Trusts, and Estates Prof Blog contains a vast amount of technical, light, and whimsical material related to illness, death and taxes.

Today I read an interesting post about the last paragraph of Charles Dickens' will.  Apparently the famous author had no desire for an expensive or over the top funeral -- a simple, private, and discreet burial was desired.

Oh how times have changed.  Today no lawyer would allow a client to write burial instructions into a will.  Why?  Wills are not instruments of speed, and once a final breath is exhaled, the modern day funeral process is speedy.

Here in Wisconsin, once a person has died, the power of attorney for health care ends.  Last breath, no authority exists under the document.  A will may appoint a Personal Representative, but that process can take several days if not weeks to complete.  And in that interim a funeral and burial occur.  My fix for clients is to give them Wisconsin's Authorization for Final Disposition form.  Created by the Department of Health Services, it is a free form that allows someone to nominate a person to be in charge of funeral and or burial as well as two back-ups.  In addition to naming names, directions can be given.  Cremation, burial, religious, non-religious, which cemetery, etc.

Dickens' literary work is timeless, but his will is a relic of the past.

Letter to Editor - Natural Burial in Verona Wisconsin

In follow-up to my post last week about the Wisconsin Death Report, I wanted to share a link to a letter to the editor that appeared in today's paper.  It is a well written response to something I found odd about the article, the fact it mentioned burial and cremation, but not green (aka natural) burials.  Click here for the words of Kevin Corrado, Coordinator of a natural cemetery in Verona, Wisconsin.

When an Estate Planning Attorney Reads the Wisconsin Death Report

Earlier this week a story in the Wisconsin State Journal caught my eye, Cremation now more popular than burial, state report says (no apparent link on-line).  Given my legal focus, I read on.  According to the reporter, in 2002 sixty-two percent of people in Wisconsin were buried, compared to twenty-nine percent selecting cremation.  Fast forward to 2011 and the rates flip, 46.9 of Wisconsinites who died opted for cremation and 45.8 percent used traditional burial.  Click here for a link to the Wisconsin Death Report.

Why the change?  The article attributes an increased interested in cremation to its lower cost, and perception that it is the more environmentally friendly approach.  Upon reading this I immediately wondered why the reporter had not mentioned green burials, which have a much lower carbon footprint than either cremation or burial?

The article close with another interesting statistic -- in 2011 the two leading causes of deaths in Wisconsin were heart disease and cancer.  Combined they made up 47 percent of all deaths that year!  Which was yet another reminder of how important it is for me, as an individual, to tend to my health.  Stay active, eat healthy foods, offset the stress.

And so I'd like to close this week with a link to a tasty and very healthy favorite recipe of mine.  It is for a Greek Stew that is perfect for winter meals.  I've blogged about it on my other site, The Frugal Upside.  Enjoy, stay well, and I'll be back next week with more thoughts on illness, death and taxes for the middle class.

Increase in "Green" Cemetaries

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Earlier in the week I blogged about the top 13 resolutions of 2013.  Number -- was about reduce, reuse and recycle.  From which I wonder, how many are willing to opt for a greener burial than what has been the most recent tradition?

As noted in this story by Minnesota public radio, the number for green cemeteries or cemeteries that offer a more green option, is increasing in the United States.  My guess is that the increase was likely driven by the combination of more environmentally aware consumers as well as motivation to spend a little less on the cost of a funeral.

How about you?  Does this idea appeal to you?  If so, please share your thoughts.  Many of my clients want to learn more about the option, and that is why I have materials related to the Farley Center (Verona, Wisconsin) located in the waiting room of my office.

Thanks for reading, and I will be back next week with more thoughts on illness, death and taxes for the middle class.

Sustainable Caskets From Wisconsin

This past weekend a blurb in the Sunday Wisconsin State Journal caught my eye -- from honoring his grandfather with a homemade casket, man forms a business.  Oh I told my husband, make sure we hold on to this until I have a chance to read that article!  To which I received a slightly concerned and bewildered look -- my job is rather macabre.

And so I have had a chance to read the article.  It is a lovely profile of a man who has create an eco-friendly business right here in my home state of Wisconsin.  Northwoods Casket Co. creates eco-friendly caskets for affordable prices.  And apparently it is what the public wants, orders are up.

One fact that jumped out at me was in the introduction.  After his grandfather's death his family stood around, in grief, unable to decide what to do -- burial, cremation, ?  In the end the grandmother said yes to the grandson's offer to build a casket, similar to one from the movie Unforegiven (his Grandfather's favorite film).  As I read this my mind was screaming -- you need Wisconsin's Authorization for Final Disposition Form!!!!!  If you have wishes, put them in writing. Why?

First, it will save time and energy from your loved ones debating what you would want.  They'll know, and they'll know who is in charge.  And second, it requires those loved ones to do what you want.  If you have wishes, but them in writing.  If you don't, you are leaving it up to chance.

High-Tech Headstones

Most people have probably seen those new high tech boxes with squiggles, called QR codes.  They have them everywhere -- stores, coffee shops, the library.  And now at the cemetery.  No, I am not joking.  NPR ran a story on it last week (thanks to my husband for sending me this link).  The idea is to link a headstone with a personalized web page for the deceased.  The web page can contain photos, music, stories, etc.  According to the people behind this business, it will make visiting a cemetery more interactive for future generations -- sit down and watch family movies and put some flowers on the grave.

Creeped out or ready to sign up?  I think I fall into the creeped out category on this one.  It seems as though technology is seeping into every aspect of our lives, and quite contemplation at someone's final resting place seems like something to hold on to.  But that is just me -- what about  you?

Wisconsin's Funeral Trust Fund

Earlier this week I posted on the investigation into Wisconsin's Funeral Trust, which is apparently short $21 million.  Here is a wonderful overview of the situation, posted on the Wills, Trusts & Estates Professor Blog.

Clients often ask me if pre-paying a funeral is a good idea.  I always have two words of caution: one, your desires for burial may change over time, so keeping your options open (i.e. not pre-paying is nice); and two, you are turning over control of your money to someone else.  Sadly, the second one has more of a sting to it these days in Wisconsin.

Green Burials in Wisconsin

I was pleasantly surprised to read this feature story on a man I know well.  After retiring from his Social Worker position at UW Hospital, he transitioned into his new role at Natural Path Sanctuary -- currently Wisconsin's only green cemetery.  Interestingly, green burials are not "new", but more of a return to historical ways of putting a loved one to rest.

Green Cremation Comes to Minnesota

My progressive neighbors to the north have done it again, beating us to the punch and out greening us here in Wisconsin.  Just the second state in the nation, a funeral home now offers "green cremation".  A mixture of water and chemicals, as opposed to fire, return the body to an organic state.  A process that would take 25 years in a common burial, takes 2 to 3 hours.  The cost, about $2300.  The news story states that green cremations are currently in the works in Illinois as well as California.

Click here for the news story and video.

Australia's Carbon Tax and the Dead

Life is stranger than fiction, we all know that.  Yet, I was thrown a bit earlier in the week when I read an article out of Australia.  In an effort to encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint, the government began implementing a "carbon tax".  Even the dead won't escape it, in fact, death triggers a carbon tax.

Yes, a $55 fee was tacked on to a burial bill for the newly deceased.  I understand charging a fee, but seriously, does the government think people will stop dying to avoid the fee?  I'm being somewhat silly here, but I do wonder, what behavior are they hoping to change?  Is it to encourage green burials, cremation, etc.?

I posted a comment on the blog, but have not heard anything more.  It is comforting to know that bizarre government policies are not solely a product of the good ole US of A.

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Family Friendly Events at the Farley Center in Verona

Daily I find emails in my in-box that deal with death....that's life when you are an estate planning attorney.  One email caught my attention.  The Linda and  Gene Farley Center for Peace, Justice, and Sustainability in Verona, Wisconsin is holding two events this summer.  Both are kid friendly.  What does this have to do with death?  Among many things, the Farley Center offers green burial in Wisconsin.

Saturday July 7,  8-10AM -- Bird Watch Walk and Breakfast
Join Ed Sauer, bird watching enthusiast and member of  the Audobon society, on a walk through the woods at the Farley Center watching and identifying birds.  Specially geared for beginners. The Farley Center property has many varieties that make their home here.  End the walk with a simple breakfast together, donations will go to the Audobon Society.  Wear sturdy shoes and bring binoculars if you have them.  Please pre-register by Saturday June 30th as numbers are limited.

Saturday, August 4 (time TBD) -- Peace Literacy for the Family
Grandparents, parents and children are invited to a read-in with peace story books.  There will be fun activities to do together amidst the peace of the Farley Center.  Mark your calendars

My kids are a bit too young to enjoy the birding and breakfast event later this week, and I'll be out of town for the peace read-in.  I do plan to take them out for future events, maybe in the fall.  I've been to the center in the past, and highly recommend a visit if it meshes with your values.

An Email That Made Me Cringe

Image credit:  www.sxc.hu - free image

Daily I find emails in my in-box addressed to "estate planning professional".  Most are trying to get me to attend a continuing legal education seminar or purchase on-line research tools.  Sadly, some are peddling marketing tools.  One such email arrived earlier this month, and I cringed upon reading it.

Greetings Estate Planning Professional,

Take advantage of our end of the month offer!  Our portal has opened for qualified estate planners & probate professionals that are interested in capturing the lucrative bereavement market.  See why over 500 of your peers have choosen to do business with our firm.

Ask yourself:

Is your firm receiving new clients on a regular basis?  If you are unsure, we can help.  Here are a few things to consider:...

"The lucrative bereavement market?  I highlighted it for your reading.  Beware.  Upon the death of a loved one, companies are lining up to tap into your pockets.  I've read that on average a person will plan one or two funerals over a lifetime.  That does not add up to a lot of experience or knowledge, and people can spend tens of thousands of dollars in a few hours.  Planning ahead allows you to take control.  Put your wishes in writing.  Use a form to appoint who should make arrangements (Wisconsin's form is here).


This email was trying to get me to pay a fee to a research engine, giving my name to families with a death that need a probate attorney.  I've deleted the message.  My advertising consists of providing quality service to my clients and speaking at seminars.  From that comes referrals and return clients.  I counsel families, I don't target a bereavement market.  Ahhh, the things that pass before an attorney's eyes during the day.